5 people who care if you have sex (and why it’s none of their business)

When it comes to deciding if you’re ready to lose your V-plates, it’s you who calls the shots – so how should you deal when everyone else wants a say in the matter?

1. The person you’re doing it with (your boyfriend)
It goes without saying - the person you’re considering having sex with is probably going to have an opinion on it, whether they’re keen to go further or not sure if they’re ready themselves. A recent US survey of nearly 300 girls aged 14-17 found that 42 per cent had engaged in unwanted sex at some point. The main reason? Because they were scared their boyfriends would be mad if they didn’t.

It’s easy to shake your head over those statistics, but it isn’t always that easy to say no to someone you really like. Even if they’re not the kind of loser who’d dump you over it, it’s normal to want to please the people you care about. But just because you want to make your partner happy doesn’t mean you’re ready to have sex.

So does that mean you should disregard their opinion altogether? Actually, no. We’re conditioned to think that boys want sex all the time and that we need to constantly fend off their advances, but that’s not true. Decent boys are happy to wait until you’re ready, and many even have the same concerns you do. When Kara, 18, first raised the subject of when they should sleep with her boyfriend of five months, he said he couldn’t put a timeframe on it, that it depended on things like - gasp! - feelings. It sounds like a cheesy teen movie, but it’s true. (If you find a boy like this one, hold on to him!)

2. The people you hang out with (your friends)
Just as any boy who tries to talk you into doing stuff you’re not ready for isn’t worth your time, any friend who looks down on you because you’re a virgin is up there with the girl who borrows your boy’s footy jersey to make you jealous in the crappy friend stakes. But when your friends are spending lunch talking about penises or bragging about how much more “adult” they feel ever since they lost it, it’s hard not to feel left out.

Often the reason we make friends with our mates in the first place is because of all the things we have in common – dance lessons, Harry Potter, Adam Brody… When they start having sex (and talking about it 24/7) the differences between you become more apparent. And it gets worse when they start egging you on to do it.

And what if you’re the one who’s thinking about having sex while most of your girls are still waiting for their first kiss? A good friend should be supportive of your decisions (unless you’re talking about doing something dangerous), but sex is one area in which you and your friends might have different values. If you’re ready to have sex and your best friend isn’t, she might feel pressured, or if she doesn’t believe in sex before marriage, she might think you’re doing something wrong. Whatever position you’re in, the key here is to be respectful of each other’s decisions.

3. The people you live with (your parents)
Odds are, your parentals aren’t going to be stoked by the idea of you having sex (and let’s face it, it’d be kinda gross if they were). As the people who changed your nappies and saw you off on your first day of school, they might have trouble dealing with the idea that you’re not a kid anymore.

For the most part, if your parents are concerned, it’s usually because they want you to make informed decisions. They don’t want you to be pressured by your friends or your partner, and they want to make sure you “take the necessary precautions” (read: condoms). If you have a good relationship with you folks, it can pay to talk to them and let them know you’re being responsible. And if it feels like they’re sticking their noses too far into your business, look on the bright side – not matter how protective your dad is, chances are he’s not going to escort you to a Father-Daughter ‘Purity Ball’, like some dads in the US do.

4. The people you (well, your parents) voted for (the government)
What does the government have to do with when you decide to have sex? Quite a bit, actually. The legal age of consent for male-female and female-female sex in the ACT, NSW, NT, QLD, Victoria, WA and New Zealand is 16. In SA and Tasmania it’s 17. This is important: if your partner is over the age of consent and you’re not, they could get into a lot of trouble. The government also has the ability to influence the consequences of having sex – recent debates in Parliament have included whether a vaccine to protect against the HPV virus (which has been linked to cervical cancer) and the abortion drug RU486 should be made available.

5. The folks on the telly (celebrities and media)
If you’ve paid any attention to recent media debates, you’ll have noticed there are a lot of people out there who reckon teenagers are being influenced by sexed-up celebrities like Paris and J-Simp. The idea that you’d have sex just because Paris made a home video might seem a bit out there, but with so much sex on TV, in the movies and in music, it’s easy to get the impression that everyone but you is ‘doing it’. Not to mention the fact that media representations of sex tend to be glamourised and unrealistic (when was the last time you saw someone on TV reaching for a condom or saying, “Let’s wait and get HIV tests first”?).

The person who matters most (you)
In the end, the only person who has the right to decide if, when or how you should have sex is you. So how do you know for sure if you’re ready? Here are a few starting points:
- You want to do it. Not to make your partner happy, or to fit in with your friends, but because you want to.
- You trust your partner. Talking about sex can be scary and embarrassing, but as a general rule, if you don’t know each other well enough to talk about it, you don’t know each other well enough to do it.
- You’re willing to accept the risks. Even if you use a condom, there’s still a small risk of pregnancy or contracting an STI. And no contraceptive will protect you from potential hurt or regret.
- You’re willing to do something about them. That means getting informed on contraception, getting you and your partner tested for STIs, and talking about it.

- Published in Girlfriend, October 2006.